Badi Badtameez Hai: Reclaiming the Art of Critical Thinking and Questioning the Status Quo
Dr. Pareena Gupta Lawrence and Neha Kesarwani
We have an ancient and proud culture, and therefore, pride in our heritage is often palpable. Yet, there are parts that we must challenge and question, particularly as Indian women. While there are numerous issues we could write about today, we want to raise something we confronted everyday while growing up in North India — the belief that obedience or not questioning authority is a sign of “Samajhdari” and open disagreement or questioning the logic behind a decision is a sign of “Badtameezi.” While this may seem benign to some readers, we believe that this has enormous implications on our collective psyche. It also inhibits our ability to be critical thinkers and creative problem-solvers in our career and life journey.
We are convinced that as we raise the next generation of leaders and problem-solvers in India, we must break this cultural norm or else we will hold our children, especially our daughters, back from asking difficult questions, challenging the status quo, and bringing about much-needed change and creative solutions to persistent problems. Thinking critically and constructively is not a new line of thinking but one that has been propagated by several thinkers & changemakers. In the Buddhist tradition, Kalama Sutta is famous for its encouragement of free inquiry. It is rather unfortunate that we often do not see it in practice.
First, we want to acknowledge that we both have incredibly supportive parents and extended family members who were doing the best they could to support us in a society that did not allow much room for our ambition. We would not be where we are today without their love and support. We have much to be grateful for. We both were born in different decades. One in the late 60s and the other in the late 80s to two traditional North Indian families hailing from the Lucknow region in India. We were firstborns though one of us is a twin.
Dr. Lawrence — When I was growing up, I was conditioned not to ask any questions about certain beliefs and practices. I was told it was not my place to ask questions, especially when they related to religious and other traditions, whether they were about untouchables that came to clean parts of our ancestral home, domestic help and child labor issues, or treatment of young widows to name a few. In my personal life as a young adult, it was expected that I would come straight home after school. No spending time with friends or going on short field trips. Any arguments on this matter were countered by, “bahut zaban chalne lagi hai, badtamizi dekho toh iski.” I learned at a very young age to suck it up as arguments were futile and to master the art of compromise and avoid confrontation. A compromise did not mean meeting in the middle: you were to be grateful if you received even an inch.
While obedience and conforming to expectations were rewarded with words of praise and other extrinsic rewards, challenging the cultural norms were seen as signs of disrespect and unwanted western influence. Without consciously recognizing it, I had been groomed to be a people pleaser and still struggle with it daily. I was extremely fortunate that I was able to succeed in the Indian education system. I kept my head down and focused on my education till I could leave India to undertake a fully-funded Ph.D. program in the United States. That was the beginning of my overt Becoming and Reinventing. The American education system and the pedagogy of the liberal arts introduced me to the art of argumentation, engagement with one’s environment, critical thinking, being unafraid to ask questions and the persistent pursuit of the fundamental ‘why’ question — what are the causal mechanisms of the problem when searching for solutions. I am a fundamentally different person today than when I left India almost 30 years ago. However, I still carry the people-pleasing baggage and dislike confrontation, traits that were instilled in me at a very young age.
Ms. Kesarwani — My parents did their best to ensure that my twin brother and I were presented with similar opportunities. Still, I am sure it was challenging for them to pursue a balanced approach in a gendered society. I always felt there was subtle discrimination, perhaps appropriate, when it came to my ‘safety’ or conforming to acceptable gender roles in society. I wasn’t allowed to step out of the house with my friends alone and always had to be ‘dropped off,’ whereas my brother could drive around the entire day. When people came over for dinner, I was expected to help my mother and eat after we were done serving the men. Though I did not mind serving the food to the guests, it bothered me when it was viewed as my ‘duty’. In those days, if I questioned the norm, I was usually chaffed and called ‘badtameez.’ I was told that it’s nice to learn etiquette that would distinguish me as a generous person. I did not mind the rationale.
As I grew up, I conditioned myself to follow the social norms expected of an Indian woman. Or in other words, I started conforming. Being a millennial, I also started viewing myself as one of the fortunate ones because I had the freedom to make a significant portion of my own choices. I was in my mid-twenties when I realized that I had subconsciously conditioned myself to be traditional or conventional so that I would be adored, accepted, and appreciated. I was no longer ‘badtameez’ but living up to the ideal of ‘samajhdar.’ My conditioned ego loved that! I carried the same beliefs into my marriage and continued to live what by all outward measures would be called a good married life for the half of next decade. I was becoming more ‘samajhdar,’ more adjusting, and not asking many questions, even when I should have. It wasn’t until recently that I came to realize that questioning something that seems wrong is my responsibility as a human being.
Why are we writing this article?
Today, Ms. Kesarwani is an entrepreneur and Dr. Lawrence is an experienced innovator and scholar in higher education. We are both problem solvers and deeply vested in preparing the next generation of change-makers to take on the challenge of our times and help create a sustainable future for the world at large. As we reflected on the journey that has helped shape us, we wanted to share our experiences and challenges with the lessons we have learned along the way. This is one small way for us to give back, especially when both of us are contemplating our future career path and seriously entertaining the opportunity to come back “home (India).” So, what are our takeaways? We must understand that ‘Aapki beti kitni samajhdar hai,” is not a compliment but an acknowledgment of our compromise, which reinforces conditioning. It normalizes our people-pleasing behavior at the cost of crushing our individuality, creativity, and engagement with civic life and democracy. If we dare to defy and persist in our work of questioning the status quo, it makes people around us uncomfortable, and we are dismissed as a ‘rebel without a cause’ or a ‘feminazi.’ Amartya Sen, in his book, The Argumentative Indian, talks about the famous ‘arguing combat’ where Gargi, a woman scholar, provides the sharpest edge to the intellectual interrogation of Yajnavalkya during a cerebral summit. Why can’t we encourage our girls to be ‘Gargis’, rather than snub them as ‘badtameez’ when they challenge existing assumptions?
We are not advocating for insolence or disrespect. We understand tehzeeb — understanding traditions and culture, setting appropriate boundaries, and being responsible about how we advocate for change in traditions that ultimately impact culture. There is a fine line between insolence and constructive questioning, but it is time that we rethink how we educate the next generation as creative problem solvers who will be well equipped not just technically but also ethically and morally. We must raise men and women who understand their roles as citizens in a civic society and in upholding democracy for all.
Authors
Dr. Pareena Lawrence currently is a visiting fellow at the MacMillan Center for International and Area Studies, Yale University. Previously, she served as the President of Hollins University in Virginia and Provost at Augustana College, in Rock Island, IL. Dr. Lawrence received her M.A. in economics from the Delhi School of Economics, and an M.S. and Ph.D. in economics from Purdue University. Dr. Lawrence is a development economist and her research explores the intersections of gender, families, the economy and politics, particularly issues of household decision-making, dowry, and political participation. Her current research focuses on the empowerment of women through reservation in political participation in north India.
Ms. Neha Kesarwani is an entrepreneur, leader and a marketeer with over 12 years of experience building and launching products in India and US. She is the co-founder of Vertoe. Prior to that she has worked with Penguin Random House and Lindt chocolates in India. She also serves as the contributing member at Forbes Business Council, an awardee and speaker at Women Economic Forum and International Mentor at Startup India.
